November 23, 2003
A Digital Approximation
It's taken much too long
To get it right
Would it be so wrong
To maybe find someone
-Vertical Horizon
I did something today I almost never do: I turned off my computer. Well, sort of. I shut down the network, which is almost the same for me. With the exception of hardware upgrades and moving, I haven't purposefully shut down the network for more than a few hours in years. I've been having problems with my online connection, and I needed a break.
We meet here for our dress-rehearsal to say
"I wanted it this way"
And wait for the year to drown
Spring forward, fall back down
I'm trying not to wonder where you are
-The Weakerthans
So today, it was just me, myself, and I-- a quirky threesome that are as mad as a crate of squirrels. I cleaned up portions of my house (cleaned in the loosest sense of the term), made couple loaves of sourdough* in preparation for stuffing later next week, read a little bit, neatly organized my homework into a small pile (it seemed easier than actually studying anything), and listened to music.
I trashed my WinAmp playlist, loaded my entire music directory, and hit play. Wow. I can't believe how much music I have. My playlist is at 130 hours, and it hasn't finished reading everything yet. Oye. Kids and their music these days. Most of those songs I haven't heard in ages-- some for good reasons, and some I'd just forgotten about.
I fixed my network while it was down, too. Well, fixed it up; I set up the wireless router again, and solved the problem I was having with my USB adapter. Mmmm, wireless network. If I had a tent, I'd be camping outside right now. Oye. If I had money (and a car, I guess), I'd go buy a tent right now; camping seems like so much fun.
When I said I was having problems with my online connection, though, I wasn't talking about my network troubles. I was talking about this. This here. I'm having issues, you see, with my blog/ mlog/ flog. When I moved here a few months ago, I wanted this to be different than Till Human Voices Wake Us. I wanted it to be less guarded, and more open; less angsty, and more thoughtful; less random, and more me. And it is. Now I wonder, though, if it's too open, too thoughtful, and too me. And if so, is this a bad thing?
The more I think about it, the more I wonder if I'm obfuscating what I really feel. Too open? Too me? What about not open enough? Not me enough? How much of this is really just meish-- a digital approximation? Is that a good thing? A bad thing? A non-thing? There is so much I don't write here. Not just the freaky stuff that would get me put out to pasture at the funny farm, but the good stuff that reminds me, once in a while, that I like myself. Should I write more, then?
I thought about it for a while.
I don't think so. Most of what's left (and there is a lot, to be sure) is too personal, too special, too me. Equally so, I don't want to write less. I don't want to return to how I was, shrouding my thoughts in obtuse allusions and partial anecdotes that could only be of value to me.
I think, for now, this is fine. This is somewhere in between me and not. This is me(ish). A digital approximation.
* I realized today that I have a dilemma: what to do with my sourdough starter over winter break. I'm not checking any luggage on my flight back (in case I have to run like Lola to catch the last Max of the night from the airport), and I'm pretty sure that a jar of starter would be sort of suspicious at the security checkpoint. White, thick, funny smell; yeah, probably not a good idea. On the other hand, it isn't really something that I can give to someone with care and feeding instructions, and ask them to look after it while I'm gone. Yeah. I couldn't have something normal like a cat, could I? I guess it's not that big a deal; this one is only a few months old anyways. I'll probably end up just baking it off and starting over when I get back. Still, though, it seems like I'll lose something important by doing that. Little, commonplace things we grow to love.
Posted by Sean at November 23, 2003 02:45 AM
Comments
I'd offer to watch your starter - You know starters are important things, you pass them on to family, to grandchildren,... kinda sick when you think about, but there have been some really really old starters in our family.
Posted by: Celina at November 24, 2003 01:45 AM
I think old starters are great; it's like baking history into bread (but it tastes better than just historical bread).
My starter isn't anything special, though, or very old, and I just have trouble thinking I should care too much about it.
Posted by: Sean at November 24, 2003 12:26 PM